So, I consider birthdays kind of a big deal! Celebrating each passing year is a wonderful opportunity to reflect on the things you are grateful for, to acknowledge personal accomplishments, and consider what you’re going to do with the life you have left to live.

With each passing year, I have found myself leaning more towards self-care over productivity, more self-kindness and self-reflection over self-deprecation and doubt. And, as I just recently celebrated turning 44, I am reflecting on how I can more consistently and intentionally practice care and kindness for myself. Because, when we listen to what our body-mind is needing from us, heed the call, and respond in kind, we can:

• Gain some peace and perspective from what burdens us
• Fulfill our life’s mission/purpose
• And more readily present to others the best of ourselves

Further, when we foster respect and consideration for ourselves in this way, we can give to others from a place of genuineness and love without depleting our own energies.

With this in mind, I have decided to gift myself a more regular and deliberate self-compassion practice. Self-compassion, not just when I am having a bad day. Or when the mood seems to strike or the timing is right. But self-compassion every damn day. Because I am deserving of that. And so are you.

The Practice of Self-Compassion

Therefore, I have challenged myself to come up with at least 44 ways that I can regularly (i.e.: daily) practice self-compassion. And I’m sure there are plenty more possibilities. But I wanted to start somewhere. So, this is my riff on ideas for self-compassion….

Self-Compassion 101 ?

1. To begin, develop a deeper understanding of what self-compassion is. Kristen Neff’s work is a great resource. It includes the following 3 basic tenets…

2. Do mindfulness. This involves being a witness to your thoughts without judging or trying to change them

3. Speak and act kindly to yourself, as you would with someone/thing you care deeply for

4. Also, remember your commonality with all humans. Everyone is imperfect. And everyone struggles in life

Building the practice 

5. Discuss with your therapist the desire for more self-compassion.

6. And ask your therapist for resources and homework to further hone the practice outside of therapy sessions

7. Pick a time of day that works best for you to practice self-compassion. Morning is ideal for me when the house is quiet and I have nowhere to be just yet

8. With self-compassion scheduled in, commit to daily meditation that has a self-compassionate theme to it

9. But if you need help, following a guided self-compassion practice, such as this workbook by Tim Desmond, might steer you in the right direction

Getting to know your baseline

10. Regularly check-in with where you are at in body-mind-spirit. Ask – what am I feeling? How can I respond compassionately?

11. Journal what comes up for you in your self-compassion practice

12. Use your self-compassion practice to better know thyself –  your character, strengths, values

13. However, make sure your assessment also includes identifying your biases, shortcomings, mistakes

14. Plus, acknowledging any suffering you are experiencing or past suffering that you are holding on to

15. But do not berate yourself for those seemingly negative aspects. Remember the key tenet of self-compassion – common humanity (see point 4 above)

16. Yet, even though flaws and suffering are part of the human condition, do not absolve yourself from doing the work of resolving beliefs and patterns that harm others

17. Review your journal entries as time goes on. What has changed? What has stayed the same? How can you invoke more self-kindness?

Embodying self-compassion

18. Utilize joyful movement to embody a self-compassionate stance

19. Activate the release of oxytocin, the “feel-good” neurotransmitter

20. Note that you can facilitate the release of oxytocin through self-touch. You could try the following…

21. Place your hand to your heart

22. Give yourself a hug and gentle squeeze 

23. And/or, you could swaddle yourself, just as one would with a newborn baby. See this video demo for how-to

24. Close your eyes and breathe softly and deeply; sense the rhythm of your breath as it moves through you

25. Practice restorative yoga

26. Provide yourself with gentle self-massage (the Roll Model Method® therapy balls are my go-to supplies for this)

27. Lie down with a Yoga Nidra session

Self-compassion with community

28. Find opportunities for real, face-to-face social connection with like-minded folk

29. But refrain from social comparison. While self-compassion involves recognizing our shared humanity, comparing ourselves to others robs us of our contentment and peace

30. Curate your social media feed to uplift rather than demote you

31. However, even with a well-curated feed, take regular social media breaks

32. Take up causes that are important to you and where you feel you can make a difference (no matter how seemingly small)

33.  But also give yourself some personal space and set boundaries

34. Replicate kindness that you witness out in the world and figure out ways you can turn it inward

When in doubt… self-care

35. Consider that practicing self-care is inherently practicing self-compassion. You are being compassionate towards yourself when you take care of your needs

36. But remove the shoulds, coulds, and body-hatred of diet culture. Restriction and denial is the anti-thesis to self-compassion

37. Instead, choose foods that marry enjoyment, nourishment, and honouring your needs and wants. For me, sometimes that might be a bacon sandwich and chips; other times a hearty cobb salad

38. Take rest days from exercise, to-do lists, and routine

39. Get enough sleep that you feel rested upon waking. Sometimes (if possible) wake without an alarm clock. Instead, let your body rise when it naturally feels ready to do so

40. And regularly immerse yourself in things that bring you joy. To me, this is swinging at the park, letting the sun beam down on my face, having a good laugh

Self-compassion in action 

41. Implement self-compassion throughout your day. In other words, not just during your scheduled self-compassion practice time

42. Develop a heartfelt intention that is rooted in self-compassion. And repeat it to yourself multiple times daily and as needed

43. Also, if you notice an unkind thought about yourself creep in, try to reframe it, in-the-moment, to be more considerate

44. And if you’re working at a goal and it is proving too difficult, give yourself permission to give up on it. Acknowledge the effort but know when enough is enough

So there you have it, 44 ways to practice self-compassion! It’s the gift I am giving myself this year and beyond. And I hope you will consider gifting it to yourself too.

I’d love to hear your ideas. What are some other ways to practice self-compassion?

The post 44 Ways to Practice Self-Compassion appeared first on Define Me Wellness.

What can I say? This is the first post in almost a year and much has occurred since then in the way of my professional and personal development. While I continued working with clients during this time, I was intentional with how much work I took on in relation to prioritizing my self-care, my studies, and my family. Because self-care is important in sustaining us day-to-day, yet it’s especially necessary when moving through a significant life change.

Two years ago, I made a decision to return to school to fulfill a long-time goal of becoming a social worker and therapist. I have been working in the space of body image, embodiment, disordered eating, and joyful movement for nearly a decade. But I recognized I needed to enhance my skills, grow as a professional (and get the credentials) to fully realize my purpose in thoroughly supporting those with eating disorders and other mental health illnesses.

This change brought some challenges… Hello to managing the family schedule, the kids’ extracurricular activities,  and being confronted with the troubling impact of my perfectionism!

Conversely, it brought some wonderful gifts as well. Most notably, my school-aged children got to see their mamma thriving in the school environment and going after her dreams.

But who I am is constant

However, throughout it all, I have realized:

• I am more malleable than I thought I was
• Who I am at my core will never change

In my last field placement at school, my supervisor had me take the VIA survey of character strengths. A tool developed by Positive Psychology researchers, this survey provides respondents with an itemized list of their most to least practiced character strengths. The idea being – if you know your strengths you can intentionally draw on them more regularly in life. And drawing on your strengths can help you better manage life’s inevitable changes and difficulties. For me, I discovered my top 5 are:

1. Industry, diligence, and perseverance
2. Gratitude
3. Modesty and humility
4. Caution, prudence, and discretion
5. Spirituality, sense of purpose, and faith

While my results were not a surprise to me, they were certainly reaffirming. These traits make up who I am. They are assets, not deficits. And I want to move forward in life acting from my strengths. I captured my top 5 in the above image and made it my phone’s screensaver. Anytime I glance at my phone (which is eh-hem, often), I will be reminded of my strengths. And I will need these reminders because…

I am still on the path

I am still on the path of learning, of growing, of changing. Very soon I will accept my Social Services Worker diploma and become a member of the Ontario College of Social Workers and Social Service Workers (stay tuned for changes to the Define Me services as a result). But, this September, I will continue my formal education at Trent University in pursuing my Bachelors of Social Work.

Learning, growth, change is a lifelong endeavour for me. It is a lifelong reality for all of us. What will you do to leverage YOUR strengths and embrace change?

The post Leveraging Your Strengths and Embracing Change appeared first on Define Me Wellness.

A common dilemma with eating disorders (EDs) is the difficulty one can have in identifying and interpreting their emotions (the medical term for this is alexithymia). Again, it comes back to the mind-body disconnection that I spoke about in yesterday’s post.

Anxiety is also a common c0-occuring illness with EDs. It puts the nervous system into an “amped-up” state! When someone is experiencing anxiousness, it can feel debilitating and overwhelming. And not being able to tap into and know those feelings can be confusing, making it hard to figure out what is needed to self-soothe and self-regulate those feelings. So what is someone with and eating disorder to do when experience anxiety and/or a nervous system on overdrive? It’s in these situations leaning on a loved one might be helpful.

The role of caregiver

As a caregiver of someone struggling with an eating disorder or other mental health illness, it can be challenging to know what to do. But don’t minimize your role as supporter and nurturer. Sometimes the best thing you can offer is a safe place to be held and an opportunity for rest, without try to fix anything.

Are you familiar with the practice of swaddling? Swaddling is often part of the bedtime routine for infants. It is where a newborn is cocooned in a blanket. And it signals to the nervous system that it is time for rest.

Now I’ve been experimenting recently with using this practice for managing difficult feelings, especially for anxiety. And if you want to do something for your loved one in need of some down-regulating, you may want to try this…

Swaddling: It’s not just for babies

In the following video, I demonstrate with my friend Angela, how to swaddle and nurture an adult. But first, here are some suggested tips:

1. Take up space, as much as you need. I use my living room and push any furniture aside
2. Turn off phones and remove any other potential distractions (TV, pets, etc.)
3. Adjust lighting if possible (or use an eye pillow or folded hand towel placed over the eyes to shield from bright lights/the sun)
4. Explain what you will be doing, ask permission and stay with them the entire time
5. Allow some time for quiet but continue to ask them every few minutes how they are doing
6. Continue to remind them that you are there, either with a few kind words or hands gently placed at top of head, shoulder or feet
7. Keep with the swaddle 5 – 15 minutes max. Any longer than that has the potential to bring up feelings of overwhelm and claustrophobia (which is the opposite of what you are trying to accomplish)

While I and some of my clients have found this to be super relaxing and soothing… what works for some, might not work for others. We are all unique in our recovery journey. But if you think it might work for you, give it a try and let me know what you think.

Michelle Pitman is the founder and operator of Define Me Wellness. Most recently, Michelle has launched Under the Lilac Tree: a virtual program for eating disorder recovery and support. Click here to learn more about Michelle and her work.

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This week in Canada is Eating Disorders Awareness Week (EDAW), an annual event led by the National Eating Disorder Information Centre (NEDIC). While anorexia, bulimia and binge eating disorder are the more commonly known EDs, there is a wide spectrum of experiences, with varying complexities, and a straightforward diagnosis is not always so clearcut. Add to that the realization that anorexia has the highest mortality rate of all mental illnesses and it’s important to release the stigma attached to EDs, to talk, listen and ensure that everyone has access to support. As the EDAW tagline suggests: Talking Saves Lives.

Back in 2013, I exhaled the details of my ED story to all of cyber space, here on the Define Me blog. It wasn’t easy to do but it’s all part of the process. At the beginning of this post I quoted one of my favourite movies of all time – The Wizard of Oz. When I reflect on my ED story I see the parallels of mine and Dorothy’s journey. Recovery was a big part of my yellow brick road where I met face-to-face with my battling mind, my delicate heart and a source of courage I never knew I had.

It took me a few years of counselling and personal work to recover from the eating disorder that consumed me throughout my time as a competitive athlete. Do I still have feelings of self-doubt, resentment towards my body and feeling out of control? Sometimes. I would be lying to you if I said otherwise. The difference is I can recognize when those harmful thoughts and feelings start to surface. And I have found less destructive methods for soothing those negative feelings such as positive self-talk, affirmations, engaging in self-care activities or speaking with a close friend, family member or therapist.

I truly believe each of our life’s path, our yellow brick road, is pre-set in a way. The trials and tribulations are part of some universal plan that lead us to just the right place, at just the right time. Not all of us will follow that blueprint though. It is the choices we make that determine whether our destiny will be fulfilled.

Yes, there was darkness in my personal struggles with my eating disorder.  But it ultimately brought me towards this personal and professional trajectory that I now know was meant for me. Here are 6 beautiful gems that my ED journey has granted me:

1. The principles of intuitive eating: They have guided me towards a healthier relationship with food, exercise and my body.
2. Long distance running and triathlon: Finding a new form of exercise soothed my goal-oriented, athlete-self with a safe (for me) activity that does not involve focusing on weight.
3. Pregnancy: Realizing the importance of nurturing my body to support the development of my babies while also letting go of anxiety around weight-gain.
4. My children: Pivotal in so many ways, they have kept me honest so to speak. I don’t diet, I don’t own a scale, I engage in regular self-care and I talk positively about my body. I do so mainly because I want to model for them a healthy, respectful, integrated mind-body-spirit approach to living.
5. My business: Taking the leap over 3 years ago to start Define Me brought me even closer to my life purpose. I have discovered a network of like-minded people (ASDAH is just one example) and gained more clarity in my message with my overall mission to helping others find balance, joy and a newfound intuitiveness to living.
6. My Yoga practice: Through coming to my mat regularly, slowing down my movement and breath, I have found a stillness within that has connected me to a deeper state of self-awareness and love.

If you are struggling with an eating disorder or engaging in disordered eating behaviours, know there is hope and possibility beyond what you are enduring now. Find just a little bit of courage and seek the help you need to heal. Make the journey on your own yellow brick road towards The Emerald City, that will ultimately lead you back home to yourself.

The post Follow The Yellow Brick Road: A Journey of Recovery appeared first on Define Me Wellness.

Happy New Year! I hope 2015 is off to a good start for you. Do you have resolutions or intentions for the year ahead? I do. But I have to admit, this time of year can sometimes be a bit triggering for me. Triggering in the way that I find myself frustrated and angry by all the diet propaganda that inevitably follows most marketing and cultural messages regarding New Year Resolutions. But then, I had a personal Epiphany…

An epiphany is like an “A-HA” that shifts the way you think about something. 

This year I decided to do things differently, to think differently. Me getting angry at a $60+ billion giant, well-oiled marketing machine and allowing myself to be triggered, just drains my energy and does not serve me or anyone. Instead, to quote Gabby Bernstein, “I choose love, instead of fear.” I can’t force anyone to see things my way, just as much as the diet industry can’t force me to return to a lifestyle of deprivation, obsessive exercise and self-criticism.

My intention this year is to refrain from reacting to that messaging.  To just take a deep breath, do my work the way I feel moved to serve and let the actions of others not set me off course.  Put the focus where it’s important: my health and well-being and what I believe is my ultimate purpose in life (i.e.: this)

I ran a campaign last month on Twitter and Facebook with the hashtag #MyEpiphany. The intent was to help folks find a more positive alternative to setting and achieving those 2015 wellness-related resolutions (if inclined to set them).  Here are some interesting discoveries (some my own and some from followers/ friends/ colleagues):

• Deciding to retire from Judo because my need to win revolved more around my weight and less around my sports achievement
• When I realized my beliefs around food, weight and exercise were harming, not helping my well-being
• Discovering that only I know what’s best for my health and well-being. I just need to be willing to listen
• When I decided resolutions to diet/lose X # of lbs were an ineffective use of my time and energy
• Throwing out my scale!
• Another #MyEpiphany for me was discovering intuitive eating as a more body-positive and self-loving approach to mealtimes
• #MyEpiphany was realizing food preoccupation, weight control, and over exercising are usually symptoms of something else…
• Exercising isn’t only good for my physical well being but essential to my mental and emotional well being
• When I decided resolutions to diet/lose X # of lbs were an ineffective use of my time and energy
• When I discovered #HealthAtEverySize, a non-diet and truly holistic approach to mine and my clients well-being.

• Health is subjective.
• Did you know the long-term success of diets is only 5%?!? Hmmmm…
• There are umpteenth reasons to exercise that do not involve the perceived need to reshape the body.
• What could you be doing differently? Have it come from a place of self-acceptance, care and love.
• Make it about the overall benefits you seek – improved energy, more mobility, less pain/stress – not the numbers on the scale.
• Setting goals: I focus on behaviours I need/want to change to create MY best health

Let’s continue the conversation in the comments below.  I’d like to know…

What’s your Epiphany around your health and wellness? How might you do things differently this year? How are you going to reshape your well-being without the diet?

The post 2015: The Year You Reshape Your Well-Being (not necessarily your waistline) appeared first on Define Me Wellness.

In years past, I watched the games with the same enthusiasm but with a different perspective.  I dreamed of going to the Olympics one day, competing in Judo.  As the years went on and I realized the Olympics were not my path to take, I had to search for other dreams.  But I continued, every 4 years, to be a passionate observer and found some valuable life lessons and motivation from this major sporting event.  Here are just a few highlights from London that I feel have captured those moments that transcend the Olympics…

I can remember being a young girl, watching the judo coverage in 1988, which was the first time the women’s divisions were participating (and only as a demonstration sport.  4 years later women’s judo was an official Olympic event.)  Fast forward to London and now ALL 200+ participating countries include both male AND female athletes; as well as ALL 26 sports including both genders.  While it seems crazy that there is still a struggle for gender equality in sport, it is a step forward and a lesson for all in the importance of fortitude and commitment to a cause.

I could not talk about the Olympics without covering some news from the sport that introduced me to the spirit of the Games.  After much controversy Saudi Arabia female judo competitor Wojdan Ali Seraj Abdulrahim Shahrkhani will be allowed to wear her headcover (hijab) while competing in London.   Not only is this a step forward for gender equality (this female athlete has not stepped off of Saudi Arabia soil until now) but in respect for all peoples and their beliefs.

Finally, as a matter of judo and Candian pride, I was touched by the story of a 22 year old man from Quebec City – Antoine Valois-Fortier.  On Tuesday, July 31st this fighter surprised many by winning a bronze medal in London.  The first judo Olympic medal in 12 years to be had by a Canadian! He defeated odds by eliminating the 2008 Olympic champion in the first round and later advanced to the semi-finals to beat his American opponent.  The passion and true sportsmanship  he showed throughout his matches and right until the end was so moving.  It has even made me reconsider bringing my judo gi out from storage on a more regular basis.

We all have Olympic-sized dreams of sorts. And they may not be hopes of athletic accomplishments.  Whatever they might be, I challenge you to think about it during the next 2 weeks while the Games continue.   If you don’t know what it is yet, find it and re-ignite that passion deep inside you.  Good luck!

The post The Olympic Dream – What’s Yours? appeared first on Define Me Wellness.

The morning’s lesson was all about gratitude: being thankful for the little things, focusing on the things you do have and less about what you don’t have.

There were so many A-HA’s that each of the speakers brought to the day – Tony Robbins, Deepak Chopra, Iyanla Vanzant and Bishop T.D Jakes. I’m still on an emotional and spiritual high from it all.

Of all those wonderful lessons, here were my personal favorites:

Iyanla says “Tell the truth to yourself about yourself” by reflecting on “What you do? How you do it? And why you do it?”

So, if you always say “I’m STRESSED out!”. What do you do to make yourself stressed out? Maybe you jam your daily schedule with obligations and constantly turn the attention away from yourself, avoiding time for self-love, self-care and self-reflection. How do you make yourself stressed out? Maybe you overcommit (as I’ve been prone to do) to your friends and family, being the person that always says yes. And why do you do it? Maybe it’s because you’re afraid that if you don’t say yes people are not going to like you or they’ll be angry or hurt. I interpret Iyanla’s message of being honest with your current state and actions and taking some accountability for what you’ve created.

Tony Robbins has a 3-part system to get you to move to action to make significant change in your life. He says, it starts with changing your state (of mind/body/spirit). If you say to yourself “I’m STRESSED out; I’m OVERWHELMED”, reframe the way you feel about it by making a physical change – bring your posture up, take deep breaths, S-L-O-W down. Literally move your body in a way that reflects how you want to feel and/or be.

Next you need to change your story – maybe your story is that you’ve got too much on your plate that prevents you from taking time for yourself. As a Mom, I’m all too familiar with this story. Perhaps the new story is “I make time for myself so that I can be healthier holistically (mind, body, spirit) and that in turn makes me stronger to support those around me.

Finally, Tony says you need to take the story and then change your strategy if you’re ever going to move forward. Create a realistic strategy that moves you to action. If you’re the Mom that sees you need to focus more on you, develop a set of measurable goals that will get you to a more balanced-less stressed you. You might create a goal that “Once a week I’m going to get out of the house for an hour and do something entirely devoted to me”.

At the end of class and on the theme of gratitiude, Oprah reiterated a message she has said before but was a good reminder:

Start a gratitude journal, write in it everyday and even if you cannot find anything to be grateful for “Start with your breath”. Be thankful that you have your breath and that you’re still here on this earth, experiencing life”. Thanks Oprah! This is one homework assignment I’m not going to procrastinate.

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